Guy SebastianThe singer expresses his distress at being used to launch belated support for the arts. The man who became an AirAsia brand ambassador at the same time as the airline was being investigated for safety breaches knows where to draw the line.

John CoatesThe Australian Olympic Committee president uses a press conference to bully Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk into the opening ceremony. He was worried she might miss “traditional parts” such as “ladies bring a plate”.

Eric ClaptonThe guitarist announces he will not perform at any venues that require attendees to prove they’ve been vaccinated against Covid-19. He used up all his care for human life on that one song about his son falling out a window.

Jeff BezosThe richest man in the world thanks his underpaid staff after returning from a brief journey into space. He experienced a few moments of weightlessness before being confronted again by his soul.

Mike BurgessThe director-general of the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation launches a recruitment drive for the spy agency. He also unfortunately describes the worst of the Stasi.

Scott MorrisonThe prime minister says he is “sorry” about the vaccine rollout, after spending most of the week refusing to do so. For a man who says “job” that often, he hasn’t looked very far into what the work entails.