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Welfare
“No. I do not accept that people have died over robo-debt.”
The head of the Department of Social Services denies people have killed themselves while being pursued for robo-debts. Presumably some old Tax Office data has been averaged out to say they’re still alive.
Rites
“Maybe you use Zoom or whatever it is, social media, to do Schoolies like that from home.”
The Gold Coast mayor suggests a new look for high school graduation celebrations in 2020. Toolies will be using Google Hangouts.
History
“It’s impossible to reconcile. What we saw at the time was a wedding venue on Pinterest. What we saw after was a place built upon devastating tragedy.”
The actor apologises for marrying Blake Lively at a former slave plantation. At least the marriage wasn’t to his first wife, Scarlett Johansson, who would have insisted on doing it as a Black character.
Shipping
“Human health is not the responsibility of the ABF.”
The agency releases a statement denying that a senior officer allowed 2700 people to disembark the Ruby Princess cruise ship. Border Force’s indifference to human health is well established.
Vision
“I want my Boyer Lectures to inject a healthy dose of optimism to Australians that our best times are still ahead of us.”
The mining magnate announces he will give this year’s ABC Boyer Lectures. As always, the answers to the country’s problems are buried in the earth.
Celebrity
“They would rather let fear control the people and let the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.”
The singer claims a cure has been found for coronavirus but is being hidden from the public. If they’re keeping it in the same place they keep her acting talent, we may never see it.
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