Martin BowlesThe immigration department secretary responds to evidence at the Australian Human Rights Commission’s inquiry into children in detention that conditions in centres are designed to “break” asylum seekers.

Dawn CrichlowThe Gold Coast city councillor, who knows what fun is, expresses dismay at the AFP officer photographed pretending to arrest singer Lily Allen.

Lorraine WalkerThe ACT chief justice finds former speaker Peter Slipper inappropriately used parliamentary taxi vouchers to visit wineries. She is silent on the appropriateness of the RoboCop sunglasses he wore to court.

Tim BlairThe conservative columnist parses Tracey Emin’s sculpture for Sydney, The Distance of Your Heart, proving his taste in garden ornaments is as poor as his taste in art.

Gina RinehartAustralia’s richest woman complains again that Australian working conditions should be more like those of Guinea. Familial litigation is also presumably better in the tiny republic.

Usain BoltThe Jamaican sprinter reportedly dismisses the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow, although he is quick to deny he said this. He is also alleged to have said “the Olympics were better”, which is self-evident.