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DEATHS
“When he breathed he truly was Australia’s greatest white elder.”
The Indigenous leader mourns Gough Whitlam at his state funeral in Sydney, speaking with passion and fury and one extended Monty Python reference.
CELEBRITY
“It was no hassle at all, apart from the occasional shuffling noises.”
The singer responds to news a spider had been living inside her ear for a week. While one might sympathise with Melua, it is important to remember the spider was only in her ear for a week. Her first single charted in ours for 87.
ROMANCE
“I’m shocked. Happy. We’ve talked about it for a long time and now it’s official.”
The 25-year-old, dressed as a clowning archaeopteryx, announces her 71-year-old boyfriend, Geoffrey Edelsten, proposed at the Melbourne Cup. For what it’s worth, he dressed as an aged canary.
POLITICS
“Choice, trust and good decisions.”
The Victorian premier calls an election, announcing what the poll will be about. A shame the anti-abortionists in his party disagree with the first item, Geoff Shaw has struck out the second, and his government is scarcely known for the third.
SPORT
“The horse has given me so much. It’s just not fair.”
Admire Rakti’s jockey talks after the Melbourne Cup favourite died in his stall. German horse Protectionist collected the trophy – the country’s first significant win on a cavalry charge since invading Poland in 1939.
POLICE
“Cockroaches on wheels. Should have to pay rego, insurance and adhere to road rules and single file only.”
A Queensland police officer shares on Facebook his view of cyclists and cockroaches, presumably known for their single-file orderliness.
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