– Peta SimpsonThe vice-president of the Queensland Liberal National Party’s women’s group explains her decision to host an international women’s day function at a men-only club. Point blank, price is the same reason women make up less than 5 per cent of CEOs in the ASX 200 and earn 18 per cent less than men.

– Bill O’ReillyThe Fox News anchor explains that when he said he “saw nuns get shot in the back of the head” in El Salvador, he was using this as a metaphor for evil. He had much less seen the murders than he had seen Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

– Nelson ShanksThe artist explains that he painted the shadow of a blue dress into his official portrait of Bill Clinton. The portrait is not on show at the National Portrait Gallery in Washington – presumably out for dry-cleaning.

– Russell ThompsonThe Queensland Fire and Emergency Services superintendent confirms Clive Palmer’s replica Tyrannosaurus rex, named Jeff, was consumed by flames. It was either an electrical fault or meteor – science is divided.

– Guy SebastianThe man once robbed at knifepoint while holding a meatball sub is philosophical about his chances as Australia’s representative at Eurovision. Know this, Sebastian: the next time you are robbed, your sandwich will be filled with the hopes and dreams of a nation.

– Clive PalmerThe grieving dinosaur enthusiast uses Twitter to apologise for telling the prime minister to kill himself. These sorts of slips were quite common after the Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction.