– Mike BairdThe NSW premier addresses public opinion. The casual observer might not even notice he was talking about someone having spray-painted enormous penises onto the side of his campaign bus.

– Patricia PiccininiThe artist responds to news her pendulous boob turtle, Skywhale, will not be included in Canberra’s Balloon Spectacular. Criminally, funding was instead allocated to balloons representing Yoda and a character from Angry Birds.

– Statement

The BBC explains why it finally suspended Jeremy Clarkson, host of Top Gear. Because homophobia is okay, and a bit of racism, especially directed at Mexicans, and the odd bit of sexism even, but you just can’t go around hitting people.

– Howard KingThe lawyer representing musicians Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke defends the fact all but two bars of their song "Blurred Lines" were lifted from Marvin Gaye’s "Got To Give It Up". It’s obviously hard to write your own melodies when you’re busy riffing humorously on date rape.

– Myuran SukumaranThe Australian death-row prisoner inscribes a portrait he painted of Indonesian President Joko Widodo after learning his bid for clemency had been rejected. His final appeal, alongside Andrew Chan, has been set over for next week.

– Tony AbbottThe PM explains why he supports the closing of remote Aboriginal communities. Of course living in the community where you were born and where your family has thousands of years of connection is a lifestyle choice, like literacy rates and life expectancy and deaths in custody. Oh, and being a bigot.