– Tony AbbottThe prime minister boasts his proud record of human rights abuse in offshore detention centres. His is the only government you can really trust to ignore sexual abuse, refuse clean water and medication, slander aid workers and celebrate the breaching of international treaties.

– Karuna HendersonThe 19-year-old Canberran tells The Australian Women’s Weekly about meeting Prince Harry on his Australian tour. Little does she know all soldiers have soft hands.

– Bill ShortenThe opposition leader attempts to allay fears Sharia law might be forced on Australia, conveniently forgetting the Catholic make-up of the Abbott frontbench.

– David LeyonhjelmThe Liberal Democrats senator appears not to apologise for referring to Julia Gillard as a “mangy dog”. In doing so, he trivialised the serious issues of carbon taxation and mange.

– Campbell NewmanThe former Queensland premier claims he would have given someone else the chance to lead his party to a historic single-term loss at the last election “if” he were a liability.

– Duncan SwanThe Biosecurity Queensland officer explains the difficult staffing decisions being made after a dozen agents spent a week looking for a South American boa constrictor accidentally released into bushland by Gold Coast police.