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SPORT
“He’s our Greg Bird. I’ll be the prop forward taking it up and he can be the one who will score the try, and that’s what he’ll be doing on budget day.”
The treasurer-in-waiting likens Joe Hockey to a man whose recent achievements include urinating on a police car and involvement in alleged cocaine supply. Morrison clarified that he meant some other bird.
BUSINESS
“It was a long lunch – you know how these things go.”
The fast food boss explains why his friend John Singleton attempted to glass him in a fracas at Kingsleys Steak and Crabhouse, the Hungry Jack’s of Woolloomooloo. The dispute was over whether or not it was unmanly to drink rosé.
MUSIC
“I’m not about to take on the might of the Guns N’ Roses lawyers.”
The Australian Crawl frontman says he won’t take on Axl Rose over the fact “Sweet Child O’ Mine” sounds exactly like his song “Unpublished Critics”. Any decision in the case would halve Triple M’s playlist.
POLITICS
“It’s a bit like giving a gorilla a Brazilian.”
The Liberal Democrat offers his view of the budget. His waking dreams are full of market-based solutions, wanton gun ownership and sexed-up freedom apes.
QUARANTINE
“But if we start letting movie stars – even though they’ve been the sexiest man alive twice – to come into our nation, then why don’t we just break the laws for everybody?”
The agriculture minister announces he may have to euthanise Johnny Depp’s Yorkshire terriers, Boo and Pistol, as punishment for their possible rabies and Depp’s last six films.
FILM
“Men in America and around the world are going to be duped by explosions, fire tornadoes and desert raiders into seeing what is guaranteed to be nothing more than feminist propaganda.”
The men’s rights activist warns against seeing feminist “Trojan Horse” Mad Max. He reserved his views on Babe’s vegan agenda.
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