– Scott MorrisonThe treasurer-in-waiting likens Joe Hockey to a man whose recent achievements include urinating on a police car and involvement in alleged cocaine supply. Morrison clarified that he meant some other bird.

– Jack CowinThe fast food boss explains why his friend John Singleton attempted to glass him in a fracas at Kingsleys Steak and Crabhouse, the Hungry Jack’s of Woolloomooloo. The dispute was over whether or not it was unmanly to drink rosé.

– James ReyneThe Australian Crawl frontman says he won’t take on Axl Rose over the fact “Sweet Child O’ Mine” sounds exactly like his song “Unpublished Critics”. Any decision in the case would halve Triple M’s playlist.

– David LeyonhjelmThe Liberal Democrat offers his view of the budget. His waking dreams are full of market-based solutions, wanton gun ownership and sexed-up freedom apes.

– Barnaby JoyceThe agriculture minister announces he may have to euthanise Johnny Depp’s Yorkshire terriers, Boo and Pistol, as punishment for their possible rabies and Depp’s last six films.

– Aaron ClareyThe men’s rights activist warns against seeing feminist “Trojan Horse” Mad Max. He reserved his views on Babe’s vegan agenda.