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SEX
“These are people who can’t grow potatoes, they’ve got a mutant lawn weed as their national symbol...”
John Howard’s former chief of staff voices concern at Ireland’s same-sex marriage referendum. Australia’s national symbols are a much better example: a bird who abandons her eggs to be incubated by a partner who starves half to death in the process and a marsupial who births a neonate six months premature in order to get back on the shag.
HOUSING
“As someone who, along with the bank, owns the house in Sydney, I do hope that our housing prices are increasing.”
The prime minister celebrates the housing affordability crisis. He remains happy to traduce the value of the other house he co-owns along with the Australian people.
GENDER
“I’m not doing this to be interesting. I’m doing this to live.”
The former Olympian announces her gender transition with a cover story for Vanity Fair.
POLITICS
“You don’t even need a punchline. I promise you it works. At the next party you’re at, just walk up to someone and say, ‘Vice-President Joe Biden.’ ”
The Republican wheels out an old gag for party faithful in Michigan. Cruz apologised after realising the punchline was “Vice-President Joe Biden, whose son died of brain cancer a few days ago”.
CONVENTION
“I think that is the worst thing you could possibly do.”
The education minister expresses his contempt for cabinet leakers. Pyne speaks with unique expertise on the subject of “worst things you could possibly do” and must be taken seriously.
SPORT
“That this House condemns Mr Eddie Macguire, the President of the Collingwood Football Club, for… (b) being a continual boofhead.”
The NSW upper house passes a motion condemning Macguire [sic] for comments about Adam Goodes. We’re all for misusing parliament to mock Triple M presenters, but it is worth spelling their names correctly.
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