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COURTS
“If you’re going to drink yourself into oblivion, we would prefer you stayed in Adelaide.”
The magistrate admonishes a 37-year-old South Australian man who was found asleep on the Garden Island naval base after drinking with his mother. He got lost after arguing with a taxi driver.
IMMIGRATION
“The department has already moved very quickly to tidy this situation up.”
The immigration minister celebrates the cancelling of Jeff Allen’s visa. Which is great if you’re a pick-up artist; for children in detention, “quickly” is about 445 days.
POLITICS
“Are you ready for the leader to make America great again? Are you ready to stump for Trump?”
The former US vice-presidential Republican nominee endorses Donald Trump in a jumble of hillbilly rhymes. It is difficult to say whether this is a step up or down from dancing children.
SCIENCE
“I know everyone in the media is saying, ‘Hey, man, it’s a head transplant on a monkey’ … The important news here is that the critics have been totally disproven.”
The Italian scientist boasts that he has successfully decapitated two monkeys and switched heads on one of them. The “critics” in question, are “blood flow” and “brain function”.
MARRIAGE
“I was told, ‘No, that’s not one of the drop-down options on the computer.’ ”
The British man explains that his name was left off his husband David’s death certificate and it was marked “never married” after David died in a freak accident during their honeymoon in Adelaide.
ELECTIONS
“You just wanna tell them: ‘Shut up, close your eyes, sleep for half an hour, and we will be at Grandma’s soon.’ ”
The Australian political strategist, who ran the latest Tory campaign in Britain, explains his approach to the media. Which only works if Grandma has increased child poverty, cut tax credits, demonised the poor and once had her way with a pig.
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