John HowardThe former prime minister expresses concern that religious freedoms will not be protected before a postal vote on same-sex marriage. Marriage is very important to Howard: it allowed him to move out of home at the age of 32.

Andrew ScottingThe NSW District Court judge rules that it is not illegal to call Tony Abbott a “cunt”. Nor, presumably, is it untrue.

Ann CoulterThe conservative commentator responds to a storm that displaced 30,000 people and destroyed swaths of Texas. Wait until she finds out the actual mayor is black – and a Democrat.

Peter DuttonThe immigration minister blocks a visit from anti-vaccination advocate Kent Heckenlively. The American would have had more luck if he described himself as a “Whooping cough pick-up artist”.

Alan JonesThe broadcaster continues his push for the public killing of prominent women. In this instance, it is Clover Moore for the crime of supporting public sculpture.

Gareth WardThe NSW Liberal MP explains how he came to be blackmailed by two men, one of whom was apparently a minor, after ordering a massage in his hotel room in New York. Checks out.