Pauline HansonThe One Nation leader scoffs at the human-induced climate change during an interview on Today with Deborah Knight, who in that moment presumably welcomed the idea of an asteroid speeding towards her at 7000 kilometres an hour.

Bill ShortenThe Labor leader vows to stop Scott Morrison running “around the country taking his happy pills”. Bill Shorten is promising rhymes in place of jokes, much like musical comedy group Tripod.

Cindy DuncanThe United Australia Party candidate describes Barnaby Joyce, who was absent from a candidate forum. It remains to be seen whether Clive Palmer will tolerate having another poet in his party.

Scott MorrisonThe prime minister takes the moral high ground, deciding not to use his announcement of a preference deal with the United Australia Party to taunt Clive Palmer, who once likened Morrison to Heinrich Himmler.

Joe BidenThe former vice-president puts up his hand for the Democratic nomination. He promised not to put said hand on to the lower back of any women in his vicinity.

Tanya PlibersekLabor’s education spokesperson slams Kate Ashmor over recently surfaced letters the Liberal candidate wrote voicing support for public funding of private schools. Probably to the level of an indictable offence, if Gladys Liu is anything to go by.