Melbourne enters ‘circuit breaker’ lockdown
As concern grows about the spread from a Melbourne hotel of the UK’s virulent coronavirus strain, Victorian premier Daniel Andrews has announced a snap five-day lockdown.
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“Invention is the root of our success. We’ve done crazy things together, and then made them normal.”
The Amazon founder announces he is stepping down as chief executive. The line is alarmingly similar to messages he sent Lauren Sánchez, but mercifully did not include a picture of his penis.
Errata
“I apologise to Mr Rudd for any damage caused by him – to him – by my false statement.”
The Sky News host apologises for suggesting Kevin Rudd planned to misuse the email addresses from his petition for a royal commission into media influence. Next up, an apology for the “brutal retail politics” of framing the carbon price as a tax.
Sport
“I said it was a proud day for Collingwood and I shouldn’t have.”
The Collingwood president apologises for his response to a report into the racist culture of the club under his leadership. He now understands “structural racism” is not “the good one you can build things out of”.
Science
“Craig Kelly MP is sharing the truth over and over again and keeps moving forward without fear.”
The conspiracy theorist and chef finds accord with coronavirus misinformation being posted by the member for Hughes. Interestingly, activated almond is a popular nickname for Craig Kelly’s brain.
Covid-19
“We’ll be crossing to a press conference with Dan Murphy – uh, Dan Andrews, soon.”
The ABC news anchor confuses the Victorian premier with a bottle shop. Which says a lot about state parliament on Wednesday night.
Welfare
“Ray, good to talk to you. Never thought you and I would be talking about prostitutes.”
The minister for the NDIS tells Ray Hadley he will pass legislation to prevent the insurance scheme from covering sex work. Hadley joked that if he did expect to talk about sex workers with the minister, it would not be in this context.